What hurts the most
by Taco Addict 2.0
Summary: Now he'll never know what kind of future they could have had. He could have never shown her how much she meant to him as a friend. As his best friend. As the love of his life.


Okay okay I _knooooow._

But whatever, sue me.

I'm having issues writing the next chapters in my few stories. But I'll try and finish them soon, I swear.

This is pretty angsty but I feel like it could be sadder. Honestly it's the best I could do.

Oh and guys, I had a guest review my story Sparks and I literally cried. It was so sweet and she gave really awesome feedback and I DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE Bc you know- _gues_ _t._

* * *

He absolutely hated his father.

In retrospect, Ally wasn't supposed to be there anyways, but that wasn't the point. He _knew_ his father's thoughts on him dating. But he thought Ally would be the girl to get the Moon stamp of approval.

Oh, how wrong he was.

It has been a week since Mr. Dawson had called him. A truly agonizingly painful week. Austin was never one to feel hatred all at once, but here he was, packing his bags in an effort of defying his so called father. He was going to leave, even if it killed him.

Furiously shoving wads of clothes in his duffle bag, he looked into his mirror. His mother silently cried on the bed behind him and his father stood at the edge of the room. Blonde hair stood on ends and bent in odd directions. The bags under his eyes clashed against his even paler than usual skin. His eyes, bloodshot from the pain of her. Of her being _gone._

"It's not true.." he whispered, shaking his head

Just the thought alone made him shut his eyes in agony. Tears silently streamed down past his nose.

"It's not true.." his sobs came out straggled and he didn't know who he was talking to anymore. To whom, he didn't really know. Himself? Re-opening his eyes, his father solemnly shook his head.

Austin was furious. His entire body shook with rage. He doesn't get to mourn. He did this; he pushed her away. Austin's happiness was gone like a tumbleweed in the wind. All because of his father. Now, here the man stood, hanging his head low in angst. No. _He doesn't get to mourn._

Austin went ballistic. He turned to his father, stalking towards him. His eyes were full of fury and he was pretty sure he held a snarl on his face.

"You did this! You made her _leave_!" He beat against his father's chest. Punch after punch, thinking maybe if he punched hard enough he'd be able to bring her back.

His mother sobbed silently at the sight of her son in such distress.

"I hate you!" He yelled while still hitting against his father. Mike grabbed his son and held him close, despite Austin's obvious protest. He thrashed and yanked in Mike's arms and all he could do was let the boy mourn.

The blonde continuously squirmed against him, "Say it! Say you hate her!"

After that he collapsed, bringing his father down with him. His words turned into incoherent screeches and eventually turned into full blown sobbing. His body ached and his heart was numb. The firm grip of his dad caused him to sob even more for the girl that he so desperately needed.

Maybe if he cried enough, she'd come back.

That night, all three members of the Moon family stayed in their son's room. His cries of anguish never stopping, not even in his sleep.

* * *

The next day, he found himself in their field. It wasn't close to the hustle of Miami, but it was something they had both cherished. It was the middle of November and the air was crisp and cold. Patches of grass laid flat and dull against the reddish soot. No one would come looking for him, not at this hour. After all, no one in their right mind would willingly wake up at four in the morning.

Obviously, Austin wasn't in his right mind.

The pick up truck shielded him from the bitter chill of the wind. He kept his palms firm against the steering wheel as he stared out at the field. Tears slipped from the edges of his eyes, the flow of sadness staining his cheeks.

When she was around, he felt at home. He loved his parents, sure. They kept a roof over his head and took care of them and gave him everything he wanted, usually. But she only ever felt like home. She was always warm and happy, she always believed in him. Now, he'd have to take on this empty house feeling. You know that depressing feeling you have when you move out of the home you grew up in? Had all those memories that could never be replaced and made you feel fuzzy and content?

Yeah, no longer did he feel fuzzy or content.

Snot leaked from his nose and he opens it against the sleeve of the button up she loved so much. It was cotton and flannel and she absolutely loved whenever he wore it. He face was tear stained and he realized he'd probably look like this for forever. He didn't care. He could deal with a few fits every now and then, he'd just let it out wherever he please. Austin Moon wasn't afraid to cry, and everyone knew it.

But crying meant more now, even with the lack of light in his life. Going on with her gone just left a huge hole inside. How would he bare to show his face at the mall again? How could he go to the beach without his heart wrenching in pain? How could he ignore the constant ache in his heart he held everytime he dreamed of her and woke up a blubbering mess?

He tries putting up a front for everyone. Pretending that he's okay and he'll be fine. It's only every few days, though. Because she always slithers back into his mind somehow and it's pummels him.

But that's not what kills him.

He never got to tell her that he truly loved her. Maybe that's what's hurting him the most right now. The two grew close within the past four years and they were going to graduate together, go on tour together. That was the plan, at least. They had their whole lives ahead of them and hers was taken from her. If only he hadn't let her walk away from him, if he had made her stay. She'd still be here, wrapped up in him and complaining about how he never fixed the heat in the beat up Chevy.

Now he'll never know what kind of future they could have had. He could have never shown her how much she meant to him as a friend. As his best friend. As the love of his life. Hed never know what kind of cake she'd pick for their wedding or where she wanted to honeymoon. He'd never know what it's like to watch her teach their baby how to walk or talk. Or dance with her to silly songs while they cooked dinner together. He'd never know what kind of knick-knacks she'd want from cheesy tourist shops while they toured across the nation together.

He'd never know and that's what kills him.

* * *

Going to school was the hardest part.

After the funeral last Friday, everyone around him was a blur. Friendly faces only held sadness and grey as he wallows through the halls. The weather matches the mood of every student at Miami High; dreary, rainy, and lifeless.

Her locked was turned into a tiny shrine, in memory of the wonderful life she had. Nearly everyone, teachers included, bright something to include. Notes, flowers, pictures, little mementos of each life she touched with her kindness. Friendliness and kind gestures was what she was all about. Not a single student was left out during the candle lighting in her memory. Everyone shared their experiences and stories of her. Not a single one was sad. That's just the kind of person she was. She deserved the best, even in death.

He knew they were hurting too, but he- he was dying.

His locker, no longer creaking since she fixed the loose screw, was over flown with her. Everything just screamed it. She kept an extra shirt in there for emergencies, it was never used. Pictures of them smiling and laughing, hanging out with their friends, some he'd even taken himself of her playing the piano or laughing at the food court.

His favorite picture was in the slip of his binder. She sat next to him in the Chevy and wore his tattered jacket. It was too big but she never once complained. They were kissing and they looked more content than ever before. He could remember that day so clearly it replayed like a movie in his head.

 _They sat in the field, she had taken a liking to calling it 'their private sulking spot' because that's what they usually did there. Hardly often did they count stars anymore or dance in the back of the truck bed, not with the constant stress of graduation and their families._

 _It was cold out, so they didn't bother getting out. She called him to pick her up and he'd bolted on over, despite his father's opposing views. She wanted to get away from her studies but once she saw his irritation, she was more than concerned._

 _He leaned against her shoulder, staring out into nothing._

" _What's wrong?" Her voice is full of concern. When he didn't respond she ran her hand across the back of his neck. "Is it your dad?"_

 _Shaking his head and shifting his position he said, "No, no."_

 _She didn't look like she believed him, but she let it slide. Tucking herself into the warmth of his arms, she ran her fingers along his knuckles. He shivered at the contact, she always had that type of affect on him. He ran his hand against her hair and watched her as her mind went thousand miles a minute._

" _Do you ever think of the future?"_

 _He honestly didn't know what to say._

 _She must've seen his hesitation, "What do you see?"_

 _Honestly, Austin saw a lot of things. He saw them waking up and making breakfast in their own house. He saw them kissing on the top of the Eiffel Tower. He saw her stirring in the middle of the night getting out of bed to nurse their crying daughter. He saw them growing old together. He saw a family._

 _But he was too chicken to tell her that._

" _What do you see?"_

 _She scowled at him. "I'm serious."_

 _He shook his head and smiled. "You, I see you."_

 _His heart swelled with pride at the sight of her blush. Lifting the corners of his mouth, he ruffled the hair at the nape of her neck. She smiled before pressing her lips against his. They were warm and soft and he couldn't believe he got to kiss her whenever he wanted._

 _Giggling, she ran the tip of her nose against his and turned. Jumping out the side of the door, she slammed it just before he yelled-_

" _What do you see?"_

 _He never got his answer._

He'd kill for moments like those again. Her necklace is still in his locker, he'd meant to give it to her when they graduated. The moon and the sun- _together we can go farther than the moon_ , it said.

Now if only he could go farther than second period.

* * *

He'd deal with the pain no matter where he went. It was hard, but he'd do it. He carried her song book everywhere. When Mr. Dawson gave it to him at the funeral, he'd never let it out of his sight. It was basically all he had left of her, the real her. All thoughts and emotions and ideas she'd ever thought of were in there, and he'd planned on keeping it forever. Holding it tightly to his chest, he opened the doors to his first class.

Students line in behind him and they're all as sullen as he is. Trish and Dez send looks towards each other as he passes to his seat. He pretends it as if he can't see them. They look bad, both having tired eyes and lifeless movements. Trish was her best friend and Dez was the big brother she never had. But he, he was the one hurting beyond their means.

Providing them with a small (unconvincing) smile, he left them alone. Alone so he could wallow in his personal depression.

He assumes he looks like trash by the way everyone else looks at him. A hundred bucks says there's. Black bags under his bloodshot eyes and his hair is all out of sorts. It's been harder to get up and get dressed every day. He doesn't care, she's not there to lean her arms against his and let him fall asleep. She was dead and he was left to live with the regret of it all.

If only he could do it over. He'd make her stay and show her the words that he'd never spoken. Show her what's in his head and his heart and make her feel like the luckiest girl alive.

Class begins but Austin's thoughts drift off to the seat across him. It's exactly one seat over and one ahead. She should be there right now. If she were she'd tell him to stop staring and take a picture because it would obviously last much longer. But he can't, not anymore. Watching her empty seat, a sob escapes and when he realizes she's never coming back, it's over for him.

Before the tears could make it past his chin, he's already out the door and heading towards the parking lot.

Thankfully, no one stops him.

* * *

When he arrives home, his father's still at the mattress store and his mother was in the kitchen. The smell of food made his stomach coil. Everything reminded him of her. Of how she was gone and out of his reach forever. His head is spinning and there's a metallic taste in his mouth.

"Austin? Honey are you o-"

Whatever his mom said didn't reach his ears. He bolted to the bathroom and threw up all the pent up emotions he'd left bottled in. That, and his stomach was weaker and weaker whenever he thought of her and it was finally catching up with him. His chest burned and a thick layer of sweat covered his face. The foul smell that he produced reached to his nostrils and just made it continue.

His eyes burned with tears and his body was physically exhausted. He could hear his mother wearing for him outside the door. Leaning against the wall, he let the crying flow.

He wouldn't stop it.

But he also wouldn't just sit here and do nothing.

He ran past his crying mother and out the door. He needed to get some air, he felt so constricted. So he turned down his road and ran. Miles and miles of clear road displayed out in front of him. Sweat covered him, drenching his tee shirt and flannel pants.

Austin didn't realize how long he'd been running until he saw where he was. The rain began to pour and his body collapsed onto the hard concrete. The pain that filled his body wasn't anything compared to the pain that filled his heart.

Screaming filled his lungs as he raged against the sky. She was gone and she wasn't ever going to come back. Her smile and sparkling eyes were forever unseeable. His world was gone, and it was all because of his dad.

That's where it all started. If he hadn't forced her to leave! If he wasn't so stubborn! She would have stayed and she'd be alive. That truck never would have crashed into her if she wasn't ridden with tears. He'd made her cry and it literally killed her. Austin would never forgive that.

The sky cried with him as he ceased his way to the side of the road. A cross covered in fake roses and tulips stood within the ground. It was small but it still stood out against the lonely track of highway. He laid on the gravel in front of it, whimpering at the sight of the name engraved into the solid oak.

" _Allyson Réne Dawson 1998-2017"_

Austin lost the love of his life. He never got the chance to tell her that. To him, that's what hurts the most.


End file.
